sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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