My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
