Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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