Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
so much tequila, so little girl.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
