News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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