i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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