I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
