Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
