dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
