She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize