I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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