i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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