Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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