I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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