saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
