Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
