i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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