I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
