so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
