i just wanna soil my oats bro
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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