If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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