I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
