I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
