I am puke
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
