He told me they were just razor bumps!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
As shirtless as possible
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
