I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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