my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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