Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
false alarm, still single
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize