he wants to bone in the snuggie
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
