Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
