Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
