he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
There r osticjed everywhere
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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