someone owes me an orgasm
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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