"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
