Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Dear god my vagina.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
