I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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