i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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