thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
