You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
