...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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