just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
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