I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
