WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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