im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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