My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
