Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
