i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Did I show you my penis last night?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
