I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
