i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
you made out with another girl for some wings
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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