Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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