OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
