Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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