Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
