mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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