so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
