she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize