did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
It's official drugs can't kill me
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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