im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
