Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
